Sit Down and Shut Up

I don't consider myself an official Buddhist. Although, if cornered for a belief I would say that I am Agnostic with Buddhist tendencies. I read a lot of books on Buddhism. I practice meditation on a fairly regular basis and I follow a lot of people in the Buddhist communities that I consider my heroes. One is, of course, the Dalai Lama. I actually have a little crush on him. Shhh. Don't tell. I would love to see him in person someday. I also adore Pema Chodren. She is wickedly funny and has an interesting way to explain some pretty complex ideas. Finally, Brad Warner. Brad is a rocker, ex monster movie-maker turned writer. His books (one titled the same as this blog) are more of a diary of his existence in relation to his study of Buddhism. They make me laugh, they make me think and they are always unique. "Sex, Sin and Zen" anyone? Yeah, I'd say that is pretty unique.

Brad Warner was the reason I was at the Zen Mediation Retreat this past weekend. You see, Brad grew up in Ohio and his first Buddhist teacher was Tim McCarthy. Tim was leading the retreat and, of course, I had to meet him. And, what a wonderful surprise he was to meet. A very small framed, self described "wimp", he was funny and dorky. He loved talking about sci-fi stuff. He used to be a Humane officer and now has many cats in his house because they had no place to go. He did a lot of joking. And, when he did talk about Buddhism, it was never to push his ideas on you. He merely considered himself a guide to help you find your own way. He has a PhD in religious studies and studies all religions. Buddhism was just the path he took that made him understand himself and the world better. But, don't get him started on Brad. He has become somewhat famous because of Brad. And, it embarrasses him immensely. He doesn't want to know what Brad said about him. He doesn't want to talk about Brad's books. He says "Brad" in such a disgusted tone. But, he's only joking. He has a lot of love for Brad Warner and that was most clear. Afraid he would end up in someone books again, he would always end with a very harsh...."But, don't quote me, dammit!" And, then he would laugh. We laughed a lot.

I had a wonderful time at the retreat. It was nice to get away from cell phones and computers. It was nice to meet others that had similar interest. The location was beautiful. The trees were filled with vibrant fall colors. The quietness was welcomed. I felt an awesome peace driving home on Sunday. True, it took about two hours at work to wipe away my so called "Zen Kim" persona.

But, I'm glad I went. I'm glad I meet Tim. And, I hope someday Zen Kim sticks around a lot longer.

:o)

Bird Feathers

When talking to my sister recently about my inability to deal with stress**, she stated, "I think we lost our bird feathers". And, I didn't understand the analogy and asked her to explain. "You know, like water, it just runs off the feathers and doesn't get to the bird".

Bazinga!

For so many years, my sisters and I have lived at a heightened level of crisis. It was one very bad experience after another. Tragedies among tragedies. We lost our parents. We lost our family. We spent hours, that turned into days, in a hospital. We got one emergency phone call after another. We had to make critical decisions. We had to be the grown ups and be strong. We went to funeral after funeral. We did this and still had to do our jobs and maintain our own livelihood. Day after day, week after week and here we are.....years later....without feathers. We lost them (or plucked them out ourselves). We have no insulation from world. We lost our protection from the bad. Our bodies and souls have been beat up.

The water drenched us.

Our feathers, gone.

I still jump when the phone rings. Panic still races through my body at the thought of losing yet another loved one. My heart still aches. I feel cheated and angry. My muscles still remember the constant state of fear and tension. I still hurt from the loss. And, as much as I hate to admit, I am...still, very much, broken.

I wonder if the feathers will grow back. I wonder if the stress of daily life will someday be normal again. Acceptable, at the very least?

I want the water to roll off my feathers again.

Dammit, I want my feathers back.

;o(

**Please note my ability to deal with stress has never been what anyone would call exceptional.