I had my first full blown panic attack in the UK a few weeks ago. I've had anxiety before. I've been stressed out and felt panicky. But, nothing like this. I think it was a combination of a lot of factors that lead to this attack. I was tired. I was overwhelmed. I was stuck underground on a packed train while 20 more people pushed on. I was frustrated. I had a beautiful vision of what my trip to London was going to look like and this was not it!! I don't remember what I was thinking. I really don't remember what I was feeling either. I think most of my conscious awareness had already shut down at this point. I was with three very dear friends who pulled me off the train at the next stop. I remember not being able to breathe. I couldn't catch my breath. It was scary not being able to fully breathe on my own. I felt so out of control. Tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't stop them. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. I couldn't breathe.
And, then, it was over. Just like that. A little confused. But, over.
A day later, we had to go down into the Tube again for another ride. My body felt the impending doom. My body knew before I consciously knew. I was walking towards my friends on a platform and my body started to shake uncontrollably. I couldn't stop it. HERE WE GO AGIAN. I tried to talk my body "down". Everything is fine. My friends are here. My body refused to be talked to. I couldn't think anymore. I couldn't stop anything that was happening. The next thing I remember was my friend hugging me. Holding me. Tears running down my face, I was being held.
OK. I'm OK.
I'll never know what energy was trying to escape my body. I don't think I'll fully understand what happened to me and why. What I do know and will always remember is that the people you surround yourself with are so very important. From the friend the dragged me off the train to the friend that hummed to calm me down to the friend that held me on the platform....I AM GRATEFUL.
Whatever my expectations of London were, I was violently reminded that I'm not in control. But, while I'm on this out of control ride called Life, I have the most beautiful souls riding along with me. Watching out for me. Holding me. Loving me. And, I don't know if I ever felt more safe than on that platform in the London Tube.
It has taken me a while to see the beauty in those moments. I completely shut down after the first attack. But, after much time and processing, I can now see. There was no PANIC in the UK. Just me finding out that there really is nothing to be scared of in the first place.....
