Change the Voices in your Head

Great new song by Pink.

Gotta love the lyrics. Gotta love the Pink.

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss “no way it’s all good”
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I’m still around…

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You’re f**kin’ perfect to me

You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred

Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
See you do the same

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing

You’re f**kin’ perfect to me
The world stares while I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and I tried tried
But we try too hard, it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my genes, they don’t get my hair
Strange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?


Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less then, f**kin’ perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing you’re f**kin’ perfect, to me
You’re perfect
You’re perfect
Pretty, pretty please don’t you ever ever feel like you’re less then, f**king perfect

lyrics by Pink "Fuckin' Perfect"

Sit Down and Shut Up

I don't consider myself an official Buddhist. Although, if cornered for a belief I would say that I am Agnostic with Buddhist tendencies. I read a lot of books on Buddhism. I practice meditation on a fairly regular basis and I follow a lot of people in the Buddhist communities that I consider my heroes. One is, of course, the Dalai Lama. I actually have a little crush on him. Shhh. Don't tell. I would love to see him in person someday. I also adore Pema Chodren. She is wickedly funny and has an interesting way to explain some pretty complex ideas. Finally, Brad Warner. Brad is a rocker, ex monster movie-maker turned writer. His books (one titled the same as this blog) are more of a diary of his existence in relation to his study of Buddhism. They make me laugh, they make me think and they are always unique. "Sex, Sin and Zen" anyone? Yeah, I'd say that is pretty unique.

Brad Warner was the reason I was at the Zen Mediation Retreat this past weekend. You see, Brad grew up in Ohio and his first Buddhist teacher was Tim McCarthy. Tim was leading the retreat and, of course, I had to meet him. And, what a wonderful surprise he was to meet. A very small framed, self described "wimp", he was funny and dorky. He loved talking about sci-fi stuff. He used to be a Humane officer and now has many cats in his house because they had no place to go. He did a lot of joking. And, when he did talk about Buddhism, it was never to push his ideas on you. He merely considered himself a guide to help you find your own way. He has a PhD in religious studies and studies all religions. Buddhism was just the path he took that made him understand himself and the world better. But, don't get him started on Brad. He has become somewhat famous because of Brad. And, it embarrasses him immensely. He doesn't want to know what Brad said about him. He doesn't want to talk about Brad's books. He says "Brad" in such a disgusted tone. But, he's only joking. He has a lot of love for Brad Warner and that was most clear. Afraid he would end up in someone books again, he would always end with a very harsh...."But, don't quote me, dammit!" And, then he would laugh. We laughed a lot.

I had a wonderful time at the retreat. It was nice to get away from cell phones and computers. It was nice to meet others that had similar interest. The location was beautiful. The trees were filled with vibrant fall colors. The quietness was welcomed. I felt an awesome peace driving home on Sunday. True, it took about two hours at work to wipe away my so called "Zen Kim" persona.

But, I'm glad I went. I'm glad I meet Tim. And, I hope someday Zen Kim sticks around a lot longer.

:o)

Bird Feathers

When talking to my sister recently about my inability to deal with stress**, she stated, "I think we lost our bird feathers". And, I didn't understand the analogy and asked her to explain. "You know, like water, it just runs off the feathers and doesn't get to the bird".

Bazinga!

For so many years, my sisters and I have lived at a heightened level of crisis. It was one very bad experience after another. Tragedies among tragedies. We lost our parents. We lost our family. We spent hours, that turned into days, in a hospital. We got one emergency phone call after another. We had to make critical decisions. We had to be the grown ups and be strong. We went to funeral after funeral. We did this and still had to do our jobs and maintain our own livelihood. Day after day, week after week and here we are.....years later....without feathers. We lost them (or plucked them out ourselves). We have no insulation from world. We lost our protection from the bad. Our bodies and souls have been beat up.

The water drenched us.

Our feathers, gone.

I still jump when the phone rings. Panic still races through my body at the thought of losing yet another loved one. My heart still aches. I feel cheated and angry. My muscles still remember the constant state of fear and tension. I still hurt from the loss. And, as much as I hate to admit, I am...still, very much, broken.

I wonder if the feathers will grow back. I wonder if the stress of daily life will someday be normal again. Acceptable, at the very least?

I want the water to roll off my feathers again.

Dammit, I want my feathers back.

;o(

**Please note my ability to deal with stress has never been what anyone would call exceptional.

IN MEMORIAM

I watch the "News Hour" on PBS. Nightly, in a moment of silence, they show all those who have died in military service to our country. These men and women flash across the TV screen with a picture, name and date. And, every time, I think of the Mother. I picture the mother answering the door and the life shattering news waiting on the other side of that door. I can't imagine what a parent must go through to lose a child....the aching hole that can never be filled.

I love America. I am proud of our country (most of the time). But, I have no blind patriotism. I get offended when others are called Un-American because they disagree with the government and the decision to go to war. Everyday, we have men and women, daughters and sons, mothers and fathers fighting for America. But, we should never ask these brave souls to fight unnecessarily. We owe it to the mothers of our service people to make sure we have exhausted ever other possible solution before putting someone's child in harm's way.

I will question the government. I will question the media. I will question the bullies. Not because I am Un-American. Not because I am a Democrat or Republican. Not because I am a Christian or a Muslim. Because, no one should ever have to answer the door and realize their heart will no longer be whole without their child in this life for absolutely no reason other than political or economical gain. No one!

It's not Un-American.

It's human.

And, that should be everyone's right!

Go PBS. Go America.

Peace.

;o)

The Other Side

Wow. It has been 7 months since I posted on my blog. And, I'm sure you have been patiently waiting for what comes out of my mouth next. Actually, I post very regularly on Facebook, so I doubt anything written here about my current situation will be a shock to anyone.

I've been living in Columbus, Ohio for the last six months. I packed up my car and furry kids and we headed north for a new job. I have to admit that I did not really come to Ohio for the job. I came because I felt that I needed a change. I was stuck in a very bad, very dark place after losing my parents and four other very important family members in a shockingly short period of time. Sometimes you just want find a place to start over, to go somewhere that everyone does not know your sad stories. And, I found comfort and peace here. So, mission accomplished.

There are still a lot of unknowns in my life right now. And, I am perfectly okay with that. I'm taking every day as it comes and making no long term plans. I've done a little traveling over the summer and want to get out and explore the northeast during the fall. And, aside from another trip back to Dallas for a Cowboys game with some friends, that is all that is on my horizon. For now.

If you look back over your life, it probably looks somewhat like a sound wave frequency....lots of hills and valleys going up and down. The last few years of my life have been lived at a very high frequency, high emotions and very large hills (more like mountains). I'm on the other side now. I'm in a peaceful valley trying to take in the view for awhile and process all the life challenges that I was presented. I know eventually everything will turn back up with challenges, emotions, changes, etc.

But, for now, I'm pleasantly happy just being......

On the other side.

:o)

When does the hurt stop?

My Mom left us about two years ago. Actually, 1 year 358 days ago. I feel the anniversary on the horizon. I know the date. I knew it was ever present. But, I don't want to think about that. And, I haven't thought about the looming anniversary. Sigh... my sister mentioned the date. But, until then, my mind did not think that two years had gone by since I lost the single most important person in my life. My unconscious mind had spent a lot of time working through the loss. The dreams have been surreal. The moods have been very low. And, the memories have been bitter-sweet.

I ask you, when does the hurt stop?

;0(

Lights

I realize this is my first blog of the New Year. Twenty-Ten. But, also, it is the birthday of my Aunt that passed away last summer. There are a lot of thoughts rattling around my head today. And, a sadness of the loss of such a wonderful person. Then, I thought about how lucky I was to know her. Anyone that met her, loved her. It was impossible not to fall under her spell. She was a very giving, lovable person that was so full of life. I was honored to know her and feel lucky that she "will always walk beside me" <---her words in the last email I got from her.

Aside from the few tears that I shed today, I feel like I'm ready for that next chapter. The ground has been shaken beneath me for such a long time. I've had my tragedy. My little protective bubble that I lived in for such a long time has burst. Now, as I try to find a new solid ground to walk on, I pause. I'm admittedly a bit scared. Scared of failing. I've have lived my life with a safety net. That net is gone. It's all on me now. Much to ponder. Much to still figure out. But, I know I have some amazing people walking beside me that have taught me great things along the way. I'm ready for whatever is next....

When thinking about my aunt and others that have gone away, I'm reminded of lyrics in a song that I like. The song is by Daniel Powter called "Love You Lately". I love music and lyrics.

I hope you've found,
Whatever you've been looking for.
Just remember where your from
And who you are.

Cause there's a thousand lights,
That make you feel brand new,
But if you ever loose your way,
I'll leave one on for you.

As I embark on my new journey this new year filled with looks of fear, I take all my memories with me. Whatever and where ever I go, I don't want to forget who I am and all the amazing people that helped mold me into the person I've become. Not just those loved ones that have gone, but also all the friends and family are a part of my life now.

Wow, kind of a deep blog to start off 2010. But, you know, that's how I roll now. The new version of Kim. Kind of like Kim 2.0. I had to put a little cheese in this post, right? Hey, I'm still me.

Go listen to that song. Great song. Wishing each of you the best year for you and your family. Wishing you all the happiness, smiles and laughter that life can bring.

;0)