I had my first full blown panic attack in the UK a few weeks ago. I've had anxiety before. I've been stressed out and felt panicky. But, nothing like this. I think it was a combination of a lot of factors that lead to this attack. I was tired. I was overwhelmed. I was stuck underground on a packed train while 20 more people pushed on. I was frustrated. I had a beautiful vision of what my trip to London was going to look like and this was not it!! I don't remember what I was thinking. I really don't remember what I was feeling either. I think most of my conscious awareness had already shut down at this point. I was with three very dear friends who pulled me off the train at the next stop. I remember not being able to breathe. I couldn't catch my breath. It was scary not being able to fully breathe on my own. I felt so out of control. Tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't stop them. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. I couldn't breathe.
And, then, it was over. Just like that. A little confused. But, over.
A day later, we had to go down into the Tube again for another ride. My body felt the impending doom. My body knew before I consciously knew. I was walking towards my friends on a platform and my body started to shake uncontrollably. I couldn't stop it. HERE WE GO AGIAN. I tried to talk my body "down". Everything is fine. My friends are here. My body refused to be talked to. I couldn't think anymore. I couldn't stop anything that was happening. The next thing I remember was my friend hugging me. Holding me. Tears running down my face, I was being held.
OK. I'm OK.
I'll never know what energy was trying to escape my body. I don't think I'll fully understand what happened to me and why. What I do know and will always remember is that the people you surround yourself with are so very important. From the friend the dragged me off the train to the friend that hummed to calm me down to the friend that held me on the platform....I AM GRATEFUL.
Whatever my expectations of London were, I was violently reminded that I'm not in control. But, while I'm on this out of control ride called Life, I have the most beautiful souls riding along with me. Watching out for me. Holding me. Loving me. And, I don't know if I ever felt more safe than on that platform in the London Tube.
It has taken me a while to see the beauty in those moments. I completely shut down after the first attack. But, after much time and processing, I can now see. There was no PANIC in the UK. Just me finding out that there really is nothing to be scared of in the first place.....
Monday, October 21, 2019
Sunday, June 16, 2019
The Heart Brain Connection
A discovery in 1991 found concentrated cells in the heart (40,000 cells) that learn independently of the cells in our brain. These neurons form a special communication network within the heart. These cells act without the need to be directed by the brain. They can, however, act in concert with the brain if there is something called "coherence". So, basically, you have a "brain" in your heart. The HeartMath Institute researches the connection to the heart. During a research project conducted by the HeartMath Institute, it was found that participants could predict the "feeling" of a picture 20 seconds before the participants were shown the picture. The heart would then notify the brain and the physical reaction would then be sent out by the brain. Your heart knows what is going to happen before your brain does. And, it knows it before the event actually happens.
There is a shift happening in our way of living. A shift that is moving us to live more by the heart. A shift to open our hearts. It is believed that if you can find a way to connect into the heart and gain coherence with the brain, we will then have a conduit to our subconscious. When you have direct access to our subconscious, you will have the ability to self heal and allow access to deep intuition. Who wouldn't want that?
I think us humans have a lot more gifts that we don't use. We truly have superpowers. However, we have been taught that we don't. Since birth, we have been ingrained with beliefs about the world around us. And, to be honest, a lot of those limited beliefs stem from fear and used as a form of control. We have to break free of those beliefs and understand what we are capable of as humans. Before we can access our gifts, we must change our limited belief systems. Then, we can begin to connect the heart and the brain.
So, what next? How do we do it? How do we get heart brain connection?
About a year ago, I was in a very stressful situation at work. And, I used a technique from the HeartMath Institute to immediately change the perceptions I was having. Truly, I saw the world around me change when I was in coherence. It was just a subtle shift to move out of my brain which would take me down a rabbit hold of fear and move into my heart which what full of love and trust.
Try this technique:
1. Move your awareness to your heart. Imagine your breath is coming in through your heart and out through your heart. Watch as your breath starts to slow down.
2. Think of someone or something that immediately brings you a feeling of appreciation or unconditional love....like a child or pet or a time in nature, for example. And, just stay in the space of your heart.
That's it! Pretty simple. Maybe 5 or 10 minutes. Just stay in the heart space.
Now that I'm no longer in the stressful situation, I don't use this technique on a regular basis. And, that is unfortunate because it was so very powerful when I used this technique in the past. I think the key to finding a heart brain conference is consistency. Something I need to work on myself. I'm going to set a reminder on my phone to spend a few minutes every day in a heart brain coherence. Perhaps that is something you might want to try too?? Even if you don't do this every day, it may help you move out of a stressful or panic situation. Reach back out and tell me how your world is changing with this technique.
There is a shift happening in our way of living. A shift that is moving us to live more by the heart. A shift to open our hearts. It is believed that if you can find a way to connect into the heart and gain coherence with the brain, we will then have a conduit to our subconscious. When you have direct access to our subconscious, you will have the ability to self heal and allow access to deep intuition. Who wouldn't want that?
I think us humans have a lot more gifts that we don't use. We truly have superpowers. However, we have been taught that we don't. Since birth, we have been ingrained with beliefs about the world around us. And, to be honest, a lot of those limited beliefs stem from fear and used as a form of control. We have to break free of those beliefs and understand what we are capable of as humans. Before we can access our gifts, we must change our limited belief systems. Then, we can begin to connect the heart and the brain.
So, what next? How do we do it? How do we get heart brain connection?
About a year ago, I was in a very stressful situation at work. And, I used a technique from the HeartMath Institute to immediately change the perceptions I was having. Truly, I saw the world around me change when I was in coherence. It was just a subtle shift to move out of my brain which would take me down a rabbit hold of fear and move into my heart which what full of love and trust.
Try this technique:
1. Move your awareness to your heart. Imagine your breath is coming in through your heart and out through your heart. Watch as your breath starts to slow down.
2. Think of someone or something that immediately brings you a feeling of appreciation or unconditional love....like a child or pet or a time in nature, for example. And, just stay in the space of your heart.
That's it! Pretty simple. Maybe 5 or 10 minutes. Just stay in the heart space.
Now that I'm no longer in the stressful situation, I don't use this technique on a regular basis. And, that is unfortunate because it was so very powerful when I used this technique in the past. I think the key to finding a heart brain conference is consistency. Something I need to work on myself. I'm going to set a reminder on my phone to spend a few minutes every day in a heart brain coherence. Perhaps that is something you might want to try too?? Even if you don't do this every day, it may help you move out of a stressful or panic situation. Reach back out and tell me how your world is changing with this technique.
Monday, May 20, 2019
How to Not Die Being Vulnerable
Is it just me or does the idea of being vulnerable make you squirm? The dictionary definition of vulnerable is susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. That, my friends, does not sound like fun AT ALL. I found this definition someone provided on Urban Dictionary quite intriguing:
"Someone who is completely and rawly open, unguarded with their heart, mind and soul. Being vulnerable happens when you trust completely. Rather its vulnerability by pain or joy, it's being exposed with all the emotions that make it easy for someone (someone you trust) to really do some emotional damage or healing. Vulnerability is the surrender of all control and personal power in regards to letting someone close enough to destroy you"
Letting someone close enough to destroy you? Hmmmm. Why the hell would I want to be vulnerable? I'm just picturing a villain in a movie....."I will destroy you". No thanks. I'm going to re-watch the Ted talk by Brene Brown, "The Power of Vulnerability"(link below) I'm a big fan of Brene, but it doesn't mean that I've fully accepted and applied her theory that vulnerability is powerful.
According to Brene, there is a lot more to vulnerability than just being vulnerable. There is a sense of worthiness, connection, authenticity, courage, shame, fear. Yep, I need to work on all of these things. Most people, like me, try to avoid feeling vulnerable due being judged, feeling pain or failure. Those are not comfortable feelings to most people.
I've re-written this blog several times over the last few weeks. It's interesting how life gave me a great big chance to be vulnerable as I was trying to write about vulnerability. The universe has quite the sense of humor. I got in a fight with a friend a few weeks ago. We apologized immediately and "made up". But, later, I had a complete meltdown. Fear came up big time. Fear of being destroyed as the writer mentioned on Urban Dictionary. You know what I completely missed from the above definition...."make it easy for someone you trust to really do some emotional...HEALING". I was so focused on the "damage" that I missed the "healing". When I go back and look at the argument, I see all of this being about vulnerability. Everyone is looking for that connection with one another. And, as Brene stated in the video, in order for connection to happen, you have to be really seen. I think my friend and I were just shouting at each other to "see me".
For me, truly being seen is really scary. It's so interesting that I'm shouting to be seen and afraid to let people really see me at the same time. I'm complicated. But, really I think what is more scary than being seen is being numb. And, I've been numb for a very long time. When I couldn't numb myself, I used food and alcohol to help me out. You can't selectively shut down fear without shutting down all the "good" emotions too. I want the joy. I want the love. I want the happiness. But, shutting down all the fears, shuts down everything too.
Daring greatly means the courage to BE VULNERABLE.
It means to show up and be seen.
To ask for what you need.
To talk about how you're feeling.
To have the hard conversations.
-Brene Brown
I needed to talk to my friend and tell her my fears. Not the stuff we argued about. Because I think the real stuff we didn't say during the argument was the fears. I needed her to see my pain and fear. There was a moment when I thought it wasn't going to work out. There was a moment that I felt like I was going to get destroyed. But, I wasn't. And, it worked out. I suspect her and I will be closer now. There is a new understanding on my part too. I know her a little bit better after all of this. And, I also know me a little bit better, too! There was no emotional damage that happened by being vulnerable with her. There was some major emotional healing that happened. And, that never would've happened had I not leaned into vulnerability.
Jump in the deep end. Lean into life. The human experience has a vast array of emotions that we get to feel. And, when you can feel them all, that's when you can truly say you've lived.
How not to die by being vulnerable you ask? You can't. I think you die a little each time you are vulnerable. But, it's your ego that dies. Not you. Not your soul.
So, Jump. Lean. Feel. Live. And, and try to LOVE every minute of it.
Check out Brene Brown's video below:
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en
"Someone who is completely and rawly open, unguarded with their heart, mind and soul. Being vulnerable happens when you trust completely. Rather its vulnerability by pain or joy, it's being exposed with all the emotions that make it easy for someone (someone you trust) to really do some emotional damage or healing. Vulnerability is the surrender of all control and personal power in regards to letting someone close enough to destroy you"
Letting someone close enough to destroy you? Hmmmm. Why the hell would I want to be vulnerable? I'm just picturing a villain in a movie....."I will destroy you". No thanks. I'm going to re-watch the Ted talk by Brene Brown, "The Power of Vulnerability"(link below) I'm a big fan of Brene, but it doesn't mean that I've fully accepted and applied her theory that vulnerability is powerful.
According to Brene, there is a lot more to vulnerability than just being vulnerable. There is a sense of worthiness, connection, authenticity, courage, shame, fear. Yep, I need to work on all of these things. Most people, like me, try to avoid feeling vulnerable due being judged, feeling pain or failure. Those are not comfortable feelings to most people.
I've re-written this blog several times over the last few weeks. It's interesting how life gave me a great big chance to be vulnerable as I was trying to write about vulnerability. The universe has quite the sense of humor. I got in a fight with a friend a few weeks ago. We apologized immediately and "made up". But, later, I had a complete meltdown. Fear came up big time. Fear of being destroyed as the writer mentioned on Urban Dictionary. You know what I completely missed from the above definition...."make it easy for someone you trust to really do some emotional...HEALING". I was so focused on the "damage" that I missed the "healing". When I go back and look at the argument, I see all of this being about vulnerability. Everyone is looking for that connection with one another. And, as Brene stated in the video, in order for connection to happen, you have to be really seen. I think my friend and I were just shouting at each other to "see me".
For me, truly being seen is really scary. It's so interesting that I'm shouting to be seen and afraid to let people really see me at the same time. I'm complicated. But, really I think what is more scary than being seen is being numb. And, I've been numb for a very long time. When I couldn't numb myself, I used food and alcohol to help me out. You can't selectively shut down fear without shutting down all the "good" emotions too. I want the joy. I want the love. I want the happiness. But, shutting down all the fears, shuts down everything too.
Daring greatly means the courage to BE VULNERABLE.
It means to show up and be seen.
To ask for what you need.
To talk about how you're feeling.
To have the hard conversations.
-Brene Brown
I needed to talk to my friend and tell her my fears. Not the stuff we argued about. Because I think the real stuff we didn't say during the argument was the fears. I needed her to see my pain and fear. There was a moment when I thought it wasn't going to work out. There was a moment that I felt like I was going to get destroyed. But, I wasn't. And, it worked out. I suspect her and I will be closer now. There is a new understanding on my part too. I know her a little bit better after all of this. And, I also know me a little bit better, too! There was no emotional damage that happened by being vulnerable with her. There was some major emotional healing that happened. And, that never would've happened had I not leaned into vulnerability.
Jump in the deep end. Lean into life. The human experience has a vast array of emotions that we get to feel. And, when you can feel them all, that's when you can truly say you've lived.
How not to die by being vulnerable you ask? You can't. I think you die a little each time you are vulnerable. But, it's your ego that dies. Not you. Not your soul.
So, Jump. Lean. Feel. Live. And, and try to LOVE every minute of it.
Check out Brene Brown's video below:
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en
Saturday, May 4, 2019
It's a Journey
I decided to start blogging again. I don't know how long it will last this time. But, I have almost 20 topics that I want to explore. I've spent the last two to three years on a journey that I never expected. But, it's been perfect in every way. Almost four years ago, I manifested an inflammatory disease. But, I also manifested an allergy to anti-inflammation medication. So, I had to seek alternatives to pain management. I went looking for anything and everything that could help take the pain away. I didn't know where I was about to be lead. I never expected to be here. But, today, I'm happier and healthier than I've been in a very long time. And, it's not because I found a magic pill. I've awakened to a new way to see the world. I've awakened to a new understanding of myself and my purpose. I've found and continue to find my soul tribe. And, I've evolved in ways that are both profound and exhilarating. It's been an unexpected but very exciting journey. And, I grasp that my journey is far from over. I'm still learning to find new ways to be healthier. I'm still working on removing the layers and layers of protection I've wrapped myself in to avoid pain. I am a work in progress. But, progress is what I've made.
Over the last few years, I've taken many classes about things I had never heard of before. Each time I learn something new, I find there are about ten more things that I need to learn and understand. I've learned that your thoughts are powerful and you attract on your level of beliefs. I've learned about energy and vibrations and how they move through our bodies continually. I've learned that everything and everyone is connected. I've learned the importance of self love and how everything begins at your level of self worth. I've learned emotions (Energy in Motion) get stuck in the body that cause dis-ease. I want write about things that I'm not an expert on, but want to learn more. As I explore these topics without any kind of assumed authority, I hope to share with you my new passions. Maybe as I move through the topics, new topics will emerge and the list will continue to grow.
As I dig deeper into these topics and questions, I will write from my perspective. And, I know that it won't be the same as yours. What I hope is that I write about something that sparks a little interest for you to go explore on your own. Then, as you gain a better understanding, you can provide your own perspective. And, we can share and grow and learn together. I'm also very aware that my soul tribe has many expects and maybe you can share your wisdom with me as well.
I will never claim to be a great writer. But, as I compose my thoughts in a written form, I find I learn more about the topic and dig deeper to find new ways to see something. Read, comment or send me a DM. I love talking about these topics. I love to hear different perspectives. I'm sharing with you. I hope you feel comfortable to share with me too.
Let's get weird together! We are in this together.
It's a Journey
.....a beautiful and exciting journey. Walk with me.
UP NEXT: Vulnerability. I'm starting with a topic that is very difficult for me. So, let's just jump in the deep in together, yeah?! Vulnerability has been something that has been in my orbit strongly the past few weeks. So, I want to start where I'm at now.
Friday, June 1, 2018
My Dad Died Today
9 years ago today, my Dad left me. He left this Earth to be with my Mom. AND, I know this beyond a reasonable doubt!
You see, My Mom came back to get him. But, I didn't know that at the time.
My Mom died a little over a year before of Pancreatic Cancer. It was, without a doubt, the biggest tragedy of my life. My Mom was my best friend. She was my biggest fan! She believed in me even when I didn't. She comforted me when I wasn't well. She held me when I needed hugs. She knew when I wasn't me.....even when I didn't know I wasn't me. She SAW me. Everything. And, loved me anyway. Then, she left me. When she was sick and.....well......"dying" (even though we didn't say that").......I knew. I even told my sisters.....My Dad wouldn't survive without her. I went to college. I knew the studies. Men don't survive without their wives unless they get a new wife within a year. And, MY DAD WOULD NOT GET A NEW WIFE. She was it for him. I knew it. I knew it with every breath I took. He would not move on. He would not replace her. So, his death would not a be shock.
But, it was. About six month after my Mom died, he had a heart attack. Most of arteries to his heart were blocked. He had to go in for open heart surgery. SO, this was it. Right?! My Dad wouldn't survive this. But, he did. Granted, he wouldn't wake up from surgery for no "medical" reason other than he didn't want to. So, he had to be taken to long term care facility. But, it didn't make sense. I knew he didn't want to live without my Mom. How did he survive this? How did he finally wake up from surgery weeks after he wasn't supposed to?
HER! She had a plan. And, she needed him to live it out. During this time, not only had I lost my Mom, BUT, I lost my Grandma, my Uncle and My Aunt was diagnosed with Brain Cancer. So, I truly had A LOT on my mind. And, sighed a bit of relief that my Dad was coming back to me. And, we spent Christmas together. It was without HER. But, my Dad was doing well. I remember him playing tennis on the new Wii. I remember being thankful for seeing this! I do. I remember that well. Then, winter hit. Depression hit. I begged him to visit me in Dallas. Please. Finally, he said yes. He would come stay with me for a week. He'd stop by and pick my sister and nephew on the way down. I was excited. He was getting out of the house. It was a Monday. I decided to work because they wouldn't be there until after work anyway. About 11 am, my sister tested me, "Have you heard from Dad?". WHAT? He was supposed to pick her up at 9AM. NO! I googled the Missouri Highway Patrol. And, went into my break room at work to call them. They said he had two possible routes and gave me the two numbers to call. The first person quickly answered that they had no accidents. I called the second number and gave them my Dad's name. They paused and said ummmmm. It was at that exact moment in my life that I knew my Dad was dead. That long pause and the person didn't know what to say after that. They didn't use words. YET, I knew. I was standing in a very nice downtown Dallas high-rise break room. It was very sunny on that June day. The sun was shining through this big window. It was very quiet. I was alone. Holding desperately to a cell phone for one last piece of hope. One possible...but, wait. One good thing in three year long slow slide into complete and utter darkness.....please. But, I knew. My Dad was dead. It was June 1st, 2009.
This isn't the end of their story.
You see, My Mom came back to get him. But, I didn't know that at the time.
My Mom died a little over a year before of Pancreatic Cancer. It was, without a doubt, the biggest tragedy of my life. My Mom was my best friend. She was my biggest fan! She believed in me even when I didn't. She comforted me when I wasn't well. She held me when I needed hugs. She knew when I wasn't me.....even when I didn't know I wasn't me. She SAW me. Everything. And, loved me anyway. Then, she left me. When she was sick and.....well......"dying" (even though we didn't say that").......I knew. I even told my sisters.....My Dad wouldn't survive without her. I went to college. I knew the studies. Men don't survive without their wives unless they get a new wife within a year. And, MY DAD WOULD NOT GET A NEW WIFE. She was it for him. I knew it. I knew it with every breath I took. He would not move on. He would not replace her. So, his death would not a be shock.
But, it was. About six month after my Mom died, he had a heart attack. Most of arteries to his heart were blocked. He had to go in for open heart surgery. SO, this was it. Right?! My Dad wouldn't survive this. But, he did. Granted, he wouldn't wake up from surgery for no "medical" reason other than he didn't want to. So, he had to be taken to long term care facility. But, it didn't make sense. I knew he didn't want to live without my Mom. How did he survive this? How did he finally wake up from surgery weeks after he wasn't supposed to?
HER! She had a plan. And, she needed him to live it out. During this time, not only had I lost my Mom, BUT, I lost my Grandma, my Uncle and My Aunt was diagnosed with Brain Cancer. So, I truly had A LOT on my mind. And, sighed a bit of relief that my Dad was coming back to me. And, we spent Christmas together. It was without HER. But, my Dad was doing well. I remember him playing tennis on the new Wii. I remember being thankful for seeing this! I do. I remember that well. Then, winter hit. Depression hit. I begged him to visit me in Dallas. Please. Finally, he said yes. He would come stay with me for a week. He'd stop by and pick my sister and nephew on the way down. I was excited. He was getting out of the house. It was a Monday. I decided to work because they wouldn't be there until after work anyway. About 11 am, my sister tested me, "Have you heard from Dad?". WHAT? He was supposed to pick her up at 9AM. NO! I googled the Missouri Highway Patrol. And, went into my break room at work to call them. They said he had two possible routes and gave me the two numbers to call. The first person quickly answered that they had no accidents. I called the second number and gave them my Dad's name. They paused and said ummmmm. It was at that exact moment in my life that I knew my Dad was dead. That long pause and the person didn't know what to say after that. They didn't use words. YET, I knew. I was standing in a very nice downtown Dallas high-rise break room. It was very sunny on that June day. The sun was shining through this big window. It was very quiet. I was alone. Holding desperately to a cell phone for one last piece of hope. One possible...but, wait. One good thing in three year long slow slide into complete and utter darkness.....please. But, I knew. My Dad was dead. It was June 1st, 2009.
This isn't the end of their story.
Monday, April 10, 2017
To Be Continued.......
Good Evening.
We are here tonight to talk about violence. Or maybe.....human nature.
We are here to talk about human nature. Wait.
A quote: A great philosopher once wrote, in times of peace, the war-like man attacks himself.
This is the root of all our problems. And, by this, I mean WE. We are the root of all our problems. Our confusion. Our anger. Our fear of things we don't understand. Violence, in other words, is ignorance. Figure your shit out....that's my.....what I'd say.
The above was Chapter 4 of Legions, Season 1 from the FX show. It touches so many facets of my life right now. OUR LIFE. Are we all about to embark on a new war? A new unnecessary war? Who will stop it? Me? You? US??
There are some that believe that the universe (source, god, buddha, allah) downloads messages into our entertainment. And, I fall into this category, as well. Have you seen Arrival? How about Dr. Strange?
Our world is moving at a fast pace. Things are changing day by day. How do you process everything? What is true? What is alternative facts? How do YOU not fear the world outside your bubble? Your door??
I've been on an interesting path. Most all of you know of my losses. My dark times. But, now, you will hear of my light. And, I truly believe that one must know true darkness to fully appreciate the light.
Follow me down the rabbit hole, if you will. It's safe here. No fear, just light and love.
Stay tuned for more chapters in "raising" Kim.
Because, KIM, is still learning her superpowers. But, she has a lot of power to light up the darkness!
Deep down inside, everyone wants to know that they are Okay. They are safe. Everyone. And, I believe, without a doubt, that I am. I am perfectly okay. With every thought, with every action and with every reaction, I am OK. I don't need to worry. I don't need to fear. I am exactly where I need to be and being exactly who the world needs. (OR, at least, I try to remember this! I'm a work in progress)
Being authentically YOU is the best gift YOU can give the world.
So, let's go on this journey together......let's light up this world!!
We are here tonight to talk about violence. Or maybe.....human nature.
We are here to talk about human nature. Wait.
A quote: A great philosopher once wrote, in times of peace, the war-like man attacks himself.
This is the root of all our problems. And, by this, I mean WE. We are the root of all our problems. Our confusion. Our anger. Our fear of things we don't understand. Violence, in other words, is ignorance. Figure your shit out....that's my.....what I'd say.
The above was Chapter 4 of Legions, Season 1 from the FX show. It touches so many facets of my life right now. OUR LIFE. Are we all about to embark on a new war? A new unnecessary war? Who will stop it? Me? You? US??
There are some that believe that the universe (source, god, buddha, allah) downloads messages into our entertainment. And, I fall into this category, as well. Have you seen Arrival? How about Dr. Strange?
Our world is moving at a fast pace. Things are changing day by day. How do you process everything? What is true? What is alternative facts? How do YOU not fear the world outside your bubble? Your door??
I've been on an interesting path. Most all of you know of my losses. My dark times. But, now, you will hear of my light. And, I truly believe that one must know true darkness to fully appreciate the light.
Follow me down the rabbit hole, if you will. It's safe here. No fear, just light and love.
Stay tuned for more chapters in "raising" Kim.
Because, KIM, is still learning her superpowers. But, she has a lot of power to light up the darkness!
Deep down inside, everyone wants to know that they are Okay. They are safe. Everyone. And, I believe, without a doubt, that I am. I am perfectly okay. With every thought, with every action and with every reaction, I am OK. I don't need to worry. I don't need to fear. I am exactly where I need to be and being exactly who the world needs. (OR, at least, I try to remember this! I'm a work in progress)
Being authentically YOU is the best gift YOU can give the world.
So, let's go on this journey together......let's light up this world!!
Friday, March 31, 2017
A Sad Goodbye
A good friend of mine is leaving. So, with every good-bye you revisit the hello. I don't exactly remember the hello. I remember being a bit afraid of her. I was coming from another background that I knew a lot about, but this......this was new and SHE knew more than me. So, I approached with trepidation. I know respect. My lovely parents taught me respect. Somehow, I reached out because I need to know the "right" answer regardless of anything else! And, I knew she knew! She taught me stuff. I don't have the specifics, but she did. She answered my nonsense questions. She answered my dumb questions. She showed me how to find the answer. And, she became my friend in the process. She become someone I could trust.
Suddenly, we were laid off. And, she and I went our separate ways.
Life. Life is a complicated web of the beautiful and horrific AND everything in between. You can pick the direction of your life, but life has its own agenda and it is perfect. Every loss is perfect. Every smile is meant to be. Darkness is meant to show the light. Every angry moment shows you a truth you didn't know before. And....and...and....we learn..every day about ourselves and everyone around us.
She and I.....We met again.
I would never chose good-bye. I would never turn my back on a friend. But.....but, I know that every person that comes into my life is meant to be and they have their very one path to walk. They may need to show me something or just walk with me on my path. And, even if they have to leave, I AM A BETTER PERSON having know them. They made me better. They walked with me as long as they could and had their own life to live. So, if my heard aches....I know and she knows...we are connected forever. I wish her well....and I know she would wish me the same. I will walk with her along her path whenever she needs and I know she will gladly do the same for me.
Thank you! Thank you for showing me that I am as good as you think I am. And, please know that I see your beautiful light and you are alway shining wherever you go......
See ya later.....k
Suddenly, we were laid off. And, she and I went our separate ways.
Life. Life is a complicated web of the beautiful and horrific AND everything in between. You can pick the direction of your life, but life has its own agenda and it is perfect. Every loss is perfect. Every smile is meant to be. Darkness is meant to show the light. Every angry moment shows you a truth you didn't know before. And....and...and....we learn..every day about ourselves and everyone around us.
She and I.....We met again.
I would never chose good-bye. I would never turn my back on a friend. But.....but, I know that every person that comes into my life is meant to be and they have their very one path to walk. They may need to show me something or just walk with me on my path. And, even if they have to leave, I AM A BETTER PERSON having know them. They made me better. They walked with me as long as they could and had their own life to live. So, if my heard aches....I know and she knows...we are connected forever. I wish her well....and I know she would wish me the same. I will walk with her along her path whenever she needs and I know she will gladly do the same for me.
Thank you! Thank you for showing me that I am as good as you think I am. And, please know that I see your beautiful light and you are alway shining wherever you go......
See ya later.....k
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Change the Voices in your Head
Great new song by Pink.
Gotta love the lyrics. Gotta love the Pink.
Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss “no way it’s all good”
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I’m still around…
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You’re f**kin’ perfect to me
You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
See you do the same
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
The world stares while I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and I tried tried
But we try too hard, it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my genes, they don’t get my hair
Strange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?
Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less then, f**kin’ perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing you’re f**kin’ perfect, to me
You’re perfect
You’re perfect
Pretty, pretty please don’t you ever ever feel like you’re less then, f**king perfect
lyrics by Pink "Fuckin' Perfect"
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Sit Down and Shut Up
I don't consider myself an official Buddhist. Although, if cornered for a belief I would say that I am Agnostic with Buddhist tendencies. I read a lot of books on Buddhism. I practice meditation on a fairly regular basis and I follow a lot of people in the Buddhist communities that I consider my heroes. One is, of course, the Dalai Lama. I actually have a little crush on him. Shhh. Don't tell. I would love to see him in person someday. I also adore Pema Chodren. She is wickedly funny and has an interesting way to explain some pretty complex ideas. Finally, Brad Warner. Brad is a rocker, ex monster movie-maker turned writer. His books (one titled the same as this blog) are more of a diary of his existence in relation to his study of Buddhism. They make me laugh, they make me think and they are always unique. "Sex, Sin and Zen" anyone? Yeah, I'd say that is pretty unique.
Brad Warner was the reason I was at the Zen Mediation Retreat this past weekend. You see, Brad grew up in Ohio and his first Buddhist teacher was Tim McCarthy. Tim was leading the retreat and, of course, I had to meet him. And, what a wonderful surprise he was to meet. A very small framed, self described "wimp", he was funny and dorky. He loved talking about sci-fi stuff. He used to be a Humane officer and now has many cats in his house because they had no place to go. He did a lot of joking. And, when he did talk about Buddhism, it was never to push his ideas on you. He merely considered himself a guide to help you find your own way. He has a PhD in religious studies and studies all religions. Buddhism was just the path he took that made him understand himself and the world better. But, don't get him started on Brad. He has become somewhat famous because of Brad. And, it embarrasses him immensely. He doesn't want to know what Brad said about him. He doesn't want to talk about Brad's books. He says "Brad" in such a disgusted tone. But, he's only joking. He has a lot of love for Brad Warner and that was most clear. Afraid he would end up in someone books again, he would always end with a very harsh...."But, don't quote me, dammit!" And, then he would laugh. We laughed a lot.
I had a wonderful time at the retreat. It was nice to get away from cell phones and computers. It was nice to meet others that had similar interest. The location was beautiful. The trees were filled with vibrant fall colors. The quietness was welcomed. I felt an awesome peace driving home on Sunday. True, it took about two hours at work to wipe away my so called "Zen Kim" persona.
But, I'm glad I went. I'm glad I meet Tim. And, I hope someday Zen Kim sticks around a lot longer.
:o)
Brad Warner was the reason I was at the Zen Mediation Retreat this past weekend. You see, Brad grew up in Ohio and his first Buddhist teacher was Tim McCarthy. Tim was leading the retreat and, of course, I had to meet him. And, what a wonderful surprise he was to meet. A very small framed, self described "wimp", he was funny and dorky. He loved talking about sci-fi stuff. He used to be a Humane officer and now has many cats in his house because they had no place to go. He did a lot of joking. And, when he did talk about Buddhism, it was never to push his ideas on you. He merely considered himself a guide to help you find your own way. He has a PhD in religious studies and studies all religions. Buddhism was just the path he took that made him understand himself and the world better. But, don't get him started on Brad. He has become somewhat famous because of Brad. And, it embarrasses him immensely. He doesn't want to know what Brad said about him. He doesn't want to talk about Brad's books. He says "Brad" in such a disgusted tone. But, he's only joking. He has a lot of love for Brad Warner and that was most clear. Afraid he would end up in someone books again, he would always end with a very harsh...."But, don't quote me, dammit!" And, then he would laugh. We laughed a lot.
I had a wonderful time at the retreat. It was nice to get away from cell phones and computers. It was nice to meet others that had similar interest. The location was beautiful. The trees were filled with vibrant fall colors. The quietness was welcomed. I felt an awesome peace driving home on Sunday. True, it took about two hours at work to wipe away my so called "Zen Kim" persona.
But, I'm glad I went. I'm glad I meet Tim. And, I hope someday Zen Kim sticks around a lot longer.
:o)
Friday, October 22, 2010
Bird Feathers
When talking to my sister recently about my inability to deal with stress**, she stated, "I think we lost our bird feathers". And, I didn't understand the analogy and asked her to explain. "You know, like water, it just runs off the feathers and doesn't get to the bird".
Bazinga!
For so many years, my sisters and I have lived at a heightened level of crisis. It was one very bad experience after another. Tragedies among tragedies. We lost our parents. We lost our family. We spent hours, that turned into days, in a hospital. We got one emergency phone call after another. We had to make critical decisions. We had to be the grown ups and be strong. We went to funeral after funeral. We did this and still had to do our jobs and maintain our own livelihood. Day after day, week after week and here we are.....years later....without feathers. We lost them (or plucked them out ourselves). We have no insulation from world. We lost our protection from the bad. Our bodies and souls have been beat up.
The water drenched us.
Our feathers, gone.
I still jump when the phone rings. Panic still races through my body at the thought of losing yet another loved one. My heart still aches. I feel cheated and angry. My muscles still remember the constant state of fear and tension. I still hurt from the loss. And, as much as I hate to admit, I am...still, very much, broken.
I wonder if the feathers will grow back. I wonder if the stress of daily life will someday be normal again. Acceptable, at the very least?
I want the water to roll off my feathers again.
Dammit, I want my feathers back.
;o(
**Please note my ability to deal with stress has never been what anyone would call exceptional.
Bazinga!
For so many years, my sisters and I have lived at a heightened level of crisis. It was one very bad experience after another. Tragedies among tragedies. We lost our parents. We lost our family. We spent hours, that turned into days, in a hospital. We got one emergency phone call after another. We had to make critical decisions. We had to be the grown ups and be strong. We went to funeral after funeral. We did this and still had to do our jobs and maintain our own livelihood. Day after day, week after week and here we are.....years later....without feathers. We lost them (or plucked them out ourselves). We have no insulation from world. We lost our protection from the bad. Our bodies and souls have been beat up.
The water drenched us.
Our feathers, gone.
I still jump when the phone rings. Panic still races through my body at the thought of losing yet another loved one. My heart still aches. I feel cheated and angry. My muscles still remember the constant state of fear and tension. I still hurt from the loss. And, as much as I hate to admit, I am...still, very much, broken.
I wonder if the feathers will grow back. I wonder if the stress of daily life will someday be normal again. Acceptable, at the very least?
I want the water to roll off my feathers again.
Dammit, I want my feathers back.
;o(
**Please note my ability to deal with stress has never been what anyone would call exceptional.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
IN MEMORIAM
I watch the "News Hour" on PBS. Nightly, in a moment of silence, they show all those who have died in military service to our country. These men and women flash across the TV screen with a picture, name and date. And, every time, I think of the Mother. I picture the mother answering the door and the life shattering news waiting on the other side of that door. I can't imagine what a parent must go through to lose a child....the aching hole that can never be filled.
I love America. I am proud of our country (most of the time). But, I have no blind patriotism. I get offended when others are called Un-American because they disagree with the government and the decision to go to war. Everyday, we have men and women, daughters and sons, mothers and fathers fighting for America. But, we should never ask these brave souls to fight unnecessarily. We owe it to the mothers of our service people to make sure we have exhausted ever other possible solution before putting someone's child in harm's way.
I will question the government. I will question the media. I will question the bullies. Not because I am Un-American. Not because I am a Democrat or Republican. Not because I am a Christian or a Muslim. Because, no one should ever have to answer the door and realize their heart will no longer be whole without their child in this life for absolutely no reason other than political or economical gain. No one!
It's not Un-American.
It's human.
And, that should be everyone's right!
Go PBS. Go America.
Peace.
;o)
I love America. I am proud of our country (most of the time). But, I have no blind patriotism. I get offended when others are called Un-American because they disagree with the government and the decision to go to war. Everyday, we have men and women, daughters and sons, mothers and fathers fighting for America. But, we should never ask these brave souls to fight unnecessarily. We owe it to the mothers of our service people to make sure we have exhausted ever other possible solution before putting someone's child in harm's way.
I will question the government. I will question the media. I will question the bullies. Not because I am Un-American. Not because I am a Democrat or Republican. Not because I am a Christian or a Muslim. Because, no one should ever have to answer the door and realize their heart will no longer be whole without their child in this life for absolutely no reason other than political or economical gain. No one!
It's not Un-American.
It's human.
And, that should be everyone's right!
Go PBS. Go America.
Peace.
;o)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Other Side
Wow. It has been 7 months since I posted on my blog. And, I'm sure you have been patiently waiting for what comes out of my mouth next. Actually, I post very regularly on Facebook, so I doubt anything written here about my current situation will be a shock to anyone.
I've been living in Columbus, Ohio for the last six months. I packed up my car and furry kids and we headed north for a new job. I have to admit that I did not really come to Ohio for the job. I came because I felt that I needed a change. I was stuck in a very bad, very dark place after losing my parents and four other very important family members in a shockingly short period of time. Sometimes you just want find a place to start over, to go somewhere that everyone does not know your sad stories. And, I found comfort and peace here. So, mission accomplished.
There are still a lot of unknowns in my life right now. And, I am perfectly okay with that. I'm taking every day as it comes and making no long term plans. I've done a little traveling over the summer and want to get out and explore the northeast during the fall. And, aside from another trip back to Dallas for a Cowboys game with some friends, that is all that is on my horizon. For now.
If you look back over your life, it probably looks somewhat like a sound wave frequency....lots of hills and valleys going up and down. The last few years of my life have been lived at a very high frequency, high emotions and very large hills (more like mountains). I'm on the other side now. I'm in a peaceful valley trying to take in the view for awhile and process all the life challenges that I was presented. I know eventually everything will turn back up with challenges, emotions, changes, etc.
But, for now, I'm pleasantly happy just being......
On the other side.
:o)
I've been living in Columbus, Ohio for the last six months. I packed up my car and furry kids and we headed north for a new job. I have to admit that I did not really come to Ohio for the job. I came because I felt that I needed a change. I was stuck in a very bad, very dark place after losing my parents and four other very important family members in a shockingly short period of time. Sometimes you just want find a place to start over, to go somewhere that everyone does not know your sad stories. And, I found comfort and peace here. So, mission accomplished.
There are still a lot of unknowns in my life right now. And, I am perfectly okay with that. I'm taking every day as it comes and making no long term plans. I've done a little traveling over the summer and want to get out and explore the northeast during the fall. And, aside from another trip back to Dallas for a Cowboys game with some friends, that is all that is on my horizon. For now.
If you look back over your life, it probably looks somewhat like a sound wave frequency....lots of hills and valleys going up and down. The last few years of my life have been lived at a very high frequency, high emotions and very large hills (more like mountains). I'm on the other side now. I'm in a peaceful valley trying to take in the view for awhile and process all the life challenges that I was presented. I know eventually everything will turn back up with challenges, emotions, changes, etc.
But, for now, I'm pleasantly happy just being......
On the other side.
:o)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
When does the hurt stop?
My Mom left us about two years ago. Actually, 1 year 358 days ago. I feel the anniversary on the horizon. I know the date. I knew it was ever present. But, I don't want to think about that. And, I haven't thought about the looming anniversary. Sigh... my sister mentioned the date. But, until then, my mind did not think that two years had gone by since I lost the single most important person in my life. My unconscious mind had spent a lot of time working through the loss. The dreams have been surreal. The moods have been very low. And, the memories have been bitter-sweet.
I ask you, when does the hurt stop?
;0(
I ask you, when does the hurt stop?
;0(
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