Two Steps Forward...

So, if you are looking for a positive, cheerful post, move on. It's ok. I'll wait. I won't look.

For the rest of you that stayed, be prepared for a dark and morbid rant about death. In the past 14 months, our family has watched four people die. I went most of my life without witnessing a lot of death. I can only remember going to five funerals in the first 34 years of my life. Having avoided death for that many years makes you believe that you are immune to it. But, the fact is, your not. It is a part of life. Death hits everyone. Eventually.

Fourteen months ago, I lost my last living grandparent (3 of the 4 died when I was rather young accounting for 3 of the aforementioned funerals). My Dad's Mom died last September. We then lost my Mom the early part of this year. My cousin lost her grandma who we nearly spent every Christmas Eve with growing up. And, last night, my uncle died.

I really thought I was done grieving for my Mom. I was doing so much better. Then, the holidays starting coming and the sinking, sad feeling started creeping back in. This will be my first Thanksgiving without my Mom. It won't be the same. And, I know it never will be. Christmas is something I can't even think about, let alone plan for. Out of the blue, my Dad's brother dies on his way to Arizona for the winter. And, suddenly, those feelings that were creeping back in are, well, back. Completely. I don't want to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas without my whole family. I don't want turkey and dressing, football and presents. I am so tired of being afraid to answer the phone thinking "what now"? I hate that all of your co-workers ask why you aren't participating in the Thanksgiving pot luck and finally telling them the truth (even though they wished I hadn't). And, who said everyone has to love the holidays? I've always been kind of a scrooge, but this year, I just want to check out for the holidays. I want to pack my bags and come back on January 1.

I know, I know. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time will heal all wounds. I just want to fast-forward time through the holidays and get this f'in year over with. Bet you wished you would have stopped reading when I gave you the chance, huh?

;0(