Bird Feathers

When talking to my sister recently about my inability to deal with stress**, she stated, "I think we lost our bird feathers". And, I didn't understand the analogy and asked her to explain. "You know, like water, it just runs off the feathers and doesn't get to the bird".

Bazinga!

For so many years, my sisters and I have lived at a heightened level of crisis. It was one very bad experience after another. Tragedies among tragedies. We lost our parents. We lost our family. We spent hours, that turned into days, in a hospital. We got one emergency phone call after another. We had to make critical decisions. We had to be the grown ups and be strong. We went to funeral after funeral. We did this and still had to do our jobs and maintain our own livelihood. Day after day, week after week and here we are.....years later....without feathers. We lost them (or plucked them out ourselves). We have no insulation from world. We lost our protection from the bad. Our bodies and souls have been beat up.

The water drenched us.

Our feathers, gone.

I still jump when the phone rings. Panic still races through my body at the thought of losing yet another loved one. My heart still aches. I feel cheated and angry. My muscles still remember the constant state of fear and tension. I still hurt from the loss. And, as much as I hate to admit, I am...still, very much, broken.

I wonder if the feathers will grow back. I wonder if the stress of daily life will someday be normal again. Acceptable, at the very least?

I want the water to roll off my feathers again.

Dammit, I want my feathers back.

;o(

**Please note my ability to deal with stress has never been what anyone would call exceptional.